Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Maintaining Healthy Relationships
by
January 22, 2025

I invite you to join me this week in praying for our nation and for the new administration that is now in place.

This Sunday, January 26, we will talk about boundaries and how we can safeguard our relationships in life. The quality of our relationships is directly tied to the quality of our lives. Because we are social creatures, we long for intimacy and connection with each other. The absence of this in a marriage or relationship can lead to major challenges. Relationships take work and effort. They cannot be put on cruise control. In the same way that physicians are able to identify physical symptoms that point to declining health, the same can also be true in our relationships with each other.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are the co-founders of the Gottman Institute at the University of Washington in Seattle. Over the years, they have done extensive research at their “love lab” on marriage and relationship dynamics. Marriage and family therapists all over the world have turned to the Gottmans for guidance and insight. In their clinical research, they have been able to identify four behavioral patterns that, when unaddressed, can lead to major problems in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These have been referred to as the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” and can become problematic on many levels.

“Criticism” of a spouse or partner is very different from offering a critique or complaint. Criticism is usually directed towards a person’s character and is not well received. When criticism becomes pervasive, it causes the other person to feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. Criticism often paves the way for the other three horsemen.

The second horseman is “contempt.” The Gottmans conclude that contempt is “fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.” This often happens in a passive-aggressive manner and is usually done to get rise out of the other person. Contempt is the result of a deep resentment or a grudge that builds over time. The Gottmans have discovered that contemptuous relationships can actually weaken the immune system and our ability to fight off infection.

The third horseman is “defensiveness” which is often the natural result of the first two. When we feel attacked or accused, our natural reaction is to be defensive towards our partner. This may be understandable but defensiveness has a negative effect on our relationships. This is often the way that we turn the tables and blame our partner for something that is most likely our own fault.

The fourth and final horseman is “stonewalling.” Stonewalling is what happens when one person shuts down and simply blocks out the other. It is a clear indication that one of the partners has “checked out.” Stonewalling is usually a last resort and is utilized when the negativity of the first three horsemen becomes overbearing.

These four behavioral patterns should serve as warning signs in any relationship or marriage and they should not be ignored. If they become patterns, it may indicate that something is wrong. The Gottmans do offer clear antidotes to each of these.

Criticism should be replaced by a gentle start-up where feelings are expressed in a positive manner. Contempt should be replaced by a culture of appreciation where gratitude and affirmation are expressed. Defensiveness should be replaced by taking responsibility and apologizing for any wrongdoing. It may just be the result of a lack of communication. When stonewalling occurs, that often signals that the partner needs some time alone to do something soothing and enjoyable.

Different people require varying amounts of personal time. Relationships can be very complicated and they take effort and intentionality. However, learning to identify and avoid these patterns of behavior will lead to stronger marriages, closer friendships, healthier family life, and ultimately a better society.

See you Sunday,

– Clay

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