Showing Empathy, Decency, & Understanding

Showing Empathy, Decency, & Understanding
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March 04, 2025

We will begin the Lenten season this Wednesday night in the sanctuary with an Ash Wednesday service at 6:30 p.m. Lent is the forty-day period leading up to Easter. I hope you will take advantage of the excellent classes being offered here at church between now and Easter – Spiritual Leadership, Romans, & the Enneagram. Dinner is also offered each week at 5:30 p.m. Lent is a time to dive deep, do some personal reflection, give certain things up, and grow.

We are now living in interesting times. Many people are concerned about the War in Ukraine as it enters its fourth year. Hundreds of thousands have already died. How can it be brought to an end? What are the peace prospects in the Middle East?

President Trump is delivering on his campaign promise to make the federal government more efficient. Very few people will make a straight-faced argument that our government does not have waste and excess spending. That seems clear. However, in the process that is now unfolding, good, hard-working people are losing their jobs and getting hurt. Conservatives will say this is exactly what Trump promised to do when he campaigned. Liberals will say this is cruel, heartless, and even reckless. Most people are stuck somewhere in the middle on this topic of how we get our government spending under control. The news cycle is never-ending on all these issues, adding to people’s anxiety and fear.

In my classes at Vanderbilt, we look closely at the research of NYU’s Jonathan Haidt and Harvard’s Arthur Brooks. Haidt is a social psychologist who has done significant research on morality and the moral foundations of liberals and conservatives. In his book The Righteous Mind, he defines moral systems in the following way: “Interlocking sets of values, virtues, norms, practices, identities, institutions, technologies, and evolved psychological mechanisms that work together to suppress or regulate self-interest and make cooperative societies possible.” It’s a fancy, all-inclusive definition, but as we all know, the words “suppressing and regulating self-interest” are a very complicated process in public life. Haidt is not a religious person, but he acknowledges that religion plays a major role in the development of moral foundations for many people around the world. Teachings on compassion, humility, mercy, forgiveness, service, and loving one’s neighbor permeate the world’s great religions.

Arthur Brooks book Love Your Enemies is a fitting read for this current political climate. He has become very concerned in recent years about the “culture of contempt” that is present in American life, which goes beyond anger and disagreement. “Believing your foe is motivated by hate leads to something far worse: contempt. While anger seeks to bring someone back into the fold, contempt seeks to exile. It attempts to mock, shame, and permanently exclude from relationships by belittling, humiliating, and ignoring. While anger says, ‘I care about this,’ contempt says, ‘You disgust me and are beneath caring about.’”

Contempt seems to permeate our culture. Just watch the way people interact and talk to each other. Contempt is what happens over time in marriages that end up in divorce. Resentment builds to a point where a couple moves to the point of no return. Too much damage has been done. Brooks spent a significant amount of time interviewing marriage expert John Gottman for insight on how we can begin to remedy this major problem in our politics and in our public square where civility and human decency have been in sharp decline.

Gottman identifies four ideas to improve civility and dialogue in the public square:

First, learn to focus on other people’s distress to build empathy. When others are upset about politics, listen empathetically. Try to understand exactly where they come from and why they are upset.

Secondly, adopt the “five to one rule.” Offer five positive comments for every criticism. This must include our virtual interactions on social media platforms.

Third, recognize that contempt is never justified, even if, in the heat of the moment, you think someone deserves it. Contempt is always bad for you, emotionally and physically, and will not convince others that they are wrong.

Fourth, Gottman says go to places and forums where people disagree with you and learn from them. This will involve a level of discomfort and making new friends.

Haidt recognizes that politics, religion, and morality are all very complicated and intertwined. Many of these topics and challenges do not have easy answers. Yet, we are reaching a dangerous tipping point in our democratic experiment when it comes to how we interact with each other and talk about these issues.

I hope and pray Woodmont will continue to be a place where we can discuss these things in a civil and respectful manner, listening to all points of view.

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